The Secret to a Good Marriage

We've been working through the second half of the book of Ephesians, the letter to the Ephesians, which is the very practical expression, the practical outliving of the gospel that has been explained by Paul in the first three chapters of Ephesians. You may remember last week, we looked at Ephesians 5, the second half there, which spoke at length about the outworking of the gospel to live up to the calling that we have received in Christ by being imitators of God. Ephesians 5:1, to walk in love as Christ loved us. Ephesians 5:15, to look carefully how we walk, not as unwise but as wise. That idea of a walk, that idea of a life that is lived in light of the gospel.

And it is expressed fundamentally through the behaviours of our lives and for Paul, in that section, it was fundamentally expressed in how we viewed sex and sexuality. It's then perhaps not a surprise that from that, we move into the second half of Ephesians 5, or perhaps the last third or quarter, which talks about marriage. We will be looking at that this morning. But as we approach this idea, this topic of marriage, we have to remember the same emphasis that has been brought along the whole time. That this call in how we live as husband and wife is based on the same principle of living up to the calling that we have already received in Christ.

This transition here, to wives and husbands, is part of what commentators call the household code that's about to be spoken of. You'll see, if you have a quick skim, that Paul now starts addressing wives and husbands, chapter 6, children and parents, slaves and masters. And so there is specific teaching, again, grounded in the gospel that Paul will now direct towards these specific groups. Let's turn to Ephesians 5 and we're going to begin by reading verse 21. We are using the ESV and you'll see that it's actually part of a separate section but we're going to begin with verse 21 and we're going to read to the end of the chapter.

Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ, wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its saviour. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

So, fair reading, this is the word of the Lord. When we come to this passage, which is often brought out at wedding day ceremonies, we're going to approach it in the way that it should be approached. We need to be careful when we come to the passage to not read it the wrong way around. We shouldn't come to this passage looking therefore at our own marriage and then applying it to the idea of Christ's relationship to the church. We don't come to this passage perhaps as young people looking at the marriage of our parents and thinking that their relationship represents the relationship of Christ to the church.

To look at the passage in that way is to look at it through a set of binoculars the wrong way around. The foolishness of that is that we use flawed human experience as the lens to understand what God is like. What we need to do this morning, to look through the binoculars as they were meant to be used, is to strive to conform our experience from the understanding of God's word. So this morning, as we tackle the first of a series of household codes focusing on marriage, we do so by understanding what God wants to explain to us about marriage first through our understanding of the marriage between Christ and the church.

Only from that understanding do we then truly understand how husbands are to treat their wives and wives their husbands. So this morning, even as you could say that this passage is neatly divided between two groups, wives and husbands, we have to begin with Jesus. We look at Jesus' love as the secret of a good marriage. Read this passage carefully and you'll notice that there are two words that characterise the union of a husband and a wife. They are both verbs, doing words.

And those words are to love and to submit. To the husbands, Paul says, love your wives, and to the wives, Paul says, submit to your husbands. But both of these commands find their impetus, find their power from the example of Jesus Christ and the church. Love your wives, Paul says, as Christ loved the church. Submit to your husbands as the church submits to Christ.

Now, Paul says in the end of this passage, towards the end, in verse 32, that the ancient teaching of marriage found all the way back in Genesis 2, Genesis 2:24, that a man shall leave his father and mother to be united to his wife, forming this new unity of a family. Paul says that this reference in Genesis 2 is a reference to the union between Christ and the church. That's staggering. One of the most fundamental teachings on marriage in the Bible, this idea of leaving and cleaving, is actually a teaching about what Jesus has done for us. And then, from this understanding, the union between Christ and his church, we find the secret to a successful marriage.

That is the way that you approach this passage. So what do we find out about the love of Jesus for the church? What is the key to a successful marriage? Well, in talking about Jesus in our passage, Paul returns to some of the truths that he has been talking about before in the book of Ephesians. Here, as earlier, Christ is seen as the exalted head.

Ephesians 1:22, remember, he says, the father, God, has put all things under Christ's feet and gave him as head over all things to the church. Ephesians 4:15, speaking the truth in love to one another, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, that is, into Christ. So firstly, we see the headship of Christ in this passage, but it is referring to that underlying gospel message that he has already proclaimed. Firstly, Christ is head. Secondly, he says that Jesus is the one who loves and gives himself to believers.

In Ephesians 5:2, walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Jesus gives the body, the church, gifts to strengthen and look after the body. Ephesians 4:16, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint, with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. The context there, remember, is that Christ gave gifts to the church in the apostles and the evangelists and the prophets and pastors and teachers. We're also reminded in our passage of what has been said previously about the intimate connection between Jesus and his church.

An intimate connection that is so tight that you cannot know Christ from the church. You can't understand the church apart from Christ. Ephesians 1:23, the church is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all. And now, all of that type of language is summarised here in Ephesians 5 when it talks about marriage. Why?

Because something of the same incredible grace, the love, the sacrifice, the humility that undergirds our very salvation is needed in the expression of self giving that happens in marriage. That is the power. In other words, marriage is a living example of God's salvation of us in Jesus Christ. The power behind the Christian marriage is found, therefore, in verse 25, you could say. Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her so that he might sanctify her.

To sanctify is to make something holy. We are told this is what Christ has done for us. He who is the holy one gave himself up to make us holy. He who knew no sin became sin for us so that we might become his righteousness. We might become the righteousness of God in 2 Corinthians 5:21.

Christ took your sins from you, bearing them on his body on the cross in order that you might be sinless in the eyes of God. That is what's being described here in verse 25. Now, somehow, that astounding love is supposed to be lived out in marriage. And the practical effect from realising this is simple.

The effect of understanding, of hearing what Paul is saying, the effect and the change of behaviour is this, that you and I are so humbled and so moved by this realisation that we drop all self righteousness in our relationships. We drop the pride in our marriage. We drop the selfishness, the small minded anger, the bitterness, the tit for tat. We are shown that Christ didn't take a bride for himself because of her perfection and beauty. We aren't told that this bride could offer anything to him or satisfy him.

He took us to be his bride while we were still sinners because in his great love for us, he wanted to make our life complete. And he took the initiative himself. We never came to him. Because of the inherent selfishness of our sin and its endless spiral into self destruction, he had to come to you. And then he had to win you over by his mercy. He spoke tender words to you.

He captured and kindled your heart and then he gave you a promise that nothing on heaven or earth could separate you from that love. It is this action that Paul calls a profound mystery, that the Son of God would come from heaven and he would become bone of your bones, flesh of your flesh to join himself to you so that the two could become one. But then we also see this other truth, that in order for the great union between Christ and his church to occur, in order for the holiness of God to be united with flawed humanity, a radical transformation had to take place. Yes, God had to come down in the flesh for that transformation to take place, but he needed to bring humanity up to himself, and that is why he needed to sanctify the church. He had to raise humanity up through sanctification.

And so a radical transformation similar, Paul says, to a woman getting transformed for her wedding day had to take place. Paul says, verse 25, just as Christ loved the church, gave himself up for her that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour without spot or wrinkle or any such thing. It's only been a couple of years since I got married. Two years ago, Desiree and I got married and the memory of the intensity of the bride's preparation still haunts me today. After one of the busiest weeks in Desiree's life, organising that wedding day, came the day and she had to get up super early that morning to be transformed into the stunning bride that she would become.

The hair, the makeup, the dress, the shoes, the flowers, it all had to be done before the vows. I just shaved and put a comb through my hair. For Desiree, hours and hours of well choreographed preparations had to take place and I tell you, it was well choreographed. Excel spreadsheets. Paul plays off the image of a bride getting prepared for her wedding day when he talks about sanctification.

The bride of Christ getting ready to meet Jesus. But now, imagine if Desiree's preparation took place without a compliant bride. Imagine a bride who resisted at every instance when she had to have her hair brushed, who smudged every bit of makeup as the makeup artist tried to do their work. Imagine a bride refusing to get up out of the chair when the dress needed to be put on. In the royal wedding of Christ to his bride, the Bible gives us the image of a bride who doesn't simply have the ability to make herself beautiful.

She resists it at every turn. But out of his great love for her, Christ as groom does it all for her. Imagine the groom not only getting himself ready for the day, putting on his tux, but he hops in the car, drives to where the bride is staying, puts her in the shower, washes her, pats her down, blow dries her hair, puts on her makeup, dresses her, and then carries her to the ceremony to present her to himself to be married. That is the love of Christ for his bride. It's the mind blowing extravagance of his grace that Jesus would present the church to himself in a radiance and splendour that he has given her.

And this he does, verse 26 says, through the washing of water with the word. Now that is probably a reference to baptism and then the covenant promise associated with baptism. The washing of the water symbolises the washing away of dirt, the sign of cleansing by the blood of Christ. But see how this is connected to the word. It's the washing of water with the word.

Baptism has no power in and of itself. It's a mere external symbol if it's not given the effectiveness of God's promise. That word is the promise of God that gets received by every child or adult that is baptised, that you receive this promise. I will be your God if you will be my child, if you will be my people. The washing of baptism sealed through that promise and then made effective by the Holy Spirit turns the collective body of the church from an ugly, brutish beast into the perfected bride of Christ.

And so united to Christ in this holy union, you as a Christian become one flesh with your saviour. You are so unified with him that the Bible can say that we are his body. So the question is, how will Jesus treat his own flesh? Paul says, verse 29, no one has ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it. So how is the bride of Christ to respond to her divine husband who gave himself up for her?

Does she demand her own independence after he has given up everything for her? Does she take her lord to be her wedded husband as long as he makes her happy? Does she cheat on him to see if the grass could be greener on the other side? Of course not. There's a happy submission that takes place.

Paul says the church knows only one response, and that is a life of loving commitment and humble submission to his divine headship. That word submit has a negative sound to our modern ears. Just this past week, we saw more news about a particular Bible college that dared to suggest that wives should submit to their husbands. But here again, we repeat what has already been said. We need to be careful not to base our understanding of God on our own experience.

Just like we don't trust God the Father because our earthly father was good or bad. We trust a heavenly father because of who he is, irrespective of the shadowy reflections of our earthly experiences. And so, to the women of the church, Paul says, to the women who are here this morning or listening online, and to the men who are their husbands, let the teaching of God's word inform your understanding of submission in light of Christ's work. The church responds to the love of Christ with a grateful heart that wants nothing else but to please him in all that it does.

The true church wants to resist every impulse and temptation to do anything that might dishonour him. It is unthinkable that Christ would make crude jokes or demeaning comments about his precious bride. Likewise, how unthinkable that the bride of Christ would ever do anything to make her husband look foolish or stupid or to ridicule him or to undermine him and to make herself look superior to him. The church would never do that. And Paul says, likewise, wives, with your husbands.

Wives are to humble themselves towards their husbands and they are to gladly and willingly accept his leadership. Wives are to be wise in showing respect and honour to the head of the house, to not out of respect undermine them, belittle them, or emasculate them. Now, this sort of submission is actually a beautiful thing to behold. Again, so counter cultural to say that. But I think, this is my personal observation, that wives who live this way adorn themselves with a beauty and grace that you cannot find anywhere in the world.

The church is never more beautiful or radiant than when she lives in perfect submission to her Lord. Likewise, her wife is never more charming than when she treats her husband with incredible grace. That's a happy submission. And then finally, we see a loving leadership. At the start of this morning's sermon, we said that there were two main verbs used in the distinction between husbands and wives when it came to marriage.

Wives, submit and husbands, love. Now, at first, it might seem like there is a very clear distinction between those two words. But when you actually work through these two ideas, and you see how it is lived out in the one flesh union of marriage, the distinction is actually not as great as we might initially think. To submit is to give yourself to your spouse. To love is to give yourself up for your spouse.

To submit is to give yourself to your spouse. To love is to give yourself up for your spouse. So you could say that to love and to submit are really both aspects of the same thing. It's this self giving grace exemplified in Jesus. It's very important that our men and husbands recognise this morning that in the same passage that Paul calls to wives to submit to their husbands, have a look at the passage.

Paul spends three times the amount of space talking about how husbands are to love their wives. The force of the submission, we sort of get stuck on, but actually, the emphasis is on the husbands. That ratio is significant. Where wives follow the example of the church's love for Jesus, husbands follow nothing less than the example of Christ himself. If Christ is the measuring stick, your duty as a husband to your wife is to live a life of sacrifice.

You are to be self giving. You are to be abundantly generous. You are to be endlessly forgiving. Think of the lengths that Jesus was willing to go in order to win over his bride, to clean her up, to wash her, to beautify her, to sanctify her, and to present her to himself as radiant and glorious. That is the type of extravagant love that you are to show to your wife.

If anyone thinks that it is a heavy burden to place on wives in order to submit to their husbands, think again. Men have the heaviest burden. See to it that you don't fail. I dare say, if husbands would simply love like this, I presume feminists would have no problem submitting to their own husbands. Of course, we know the short sightedness of sin and our marriages, we know, can be so far from the ideals of Scripture.

We battle the old nature in us daily, even as Paul reminds us earlier in Ephesians. Sometimes it's the sin of our spouses that make it just so difficult and painful to love and submit to one another. And yet, it's right here where the mystery of marriage is its most profound. Just as the church is shown to come to her Lord, confessing her sin, submitting to him again in repentance and faithfulness, so we also need to hear the words from our husband and master, I forgive you. That is the picture of marriage, of an intimacy of a husband and a wife repeatedly returning to each other again and again to say, I am sorry and to hear, I forgive you.

From Scripture, we understand this morning that marriage is not so much about finding the right person, it's about being the right person. Husbands and wives, remember that. It's not about finding the right person, which means it protects you against unfaithfulness. It protects your eyes from wandering, your thoughts from wandering. As a young person, it protects you from the way that you think about marriage and how you approach courting and dating.

It is not about finding the right person. It is about you being the right person. But even as we see the glorious picture of God's vision for marriage, and we reflect and feel the weight of our sin and failing to live up to that vision, I wanna remind you as well that Christ has been the greatest husband, that he will be a husband and has been a husband greater than you can ever be. Likewise, he has submitted himself more deeply than you could ever dare to submit yourself. If your marriage is struggling today, let God's word be a kick start for you to be proactive about it.

It is an intentional, loving submission towards one another. And for some of us, if we carry the burden of divorce and failed relationships with us, and you grieve about the failures of your past, let God's word also tell you that you have been washed clean as the bride of Christ, that Christ himself has reconciled you to him with a marriage that can never be broken. The secret of a good marriage is not found in what we offer, but really what has already been offered to us through the love and the submission of the one who has made us his bride and is lovingly, carefully, and intentionally working to make us radiant, holy, and without blemish in his sight. Let's pray. Lord, it is a profound thing to peel back, as it were, the veil and to see the model of our very essence, the archetype of the earthly things we see expressed around us all the time, shown profoundly and perfectly in Jesus Christ himself to the church.

And God, if we could only carry that vision with us all the time, in the squabbles, in the frustrations, in the one millionth argument about the same thing, if we could only hold on to that vision, Lord, there would be no imperfection in our marriages. Help us, Holy Spirit, to remember this. Give us soft hearts that will be pliable, receptive, gentle, kind, patient. Lord, cause us as husbands to love our wives with an endlessly forgiving heart, with gentleness and humility that is shocking in the eyes of the world. Help us to cast away false idols of masculinity.

Help us to cast away the ancient, same old sins of pride, and help us to lay ourselves at the feet of those we serve and sacrifice. And, Lord, for our wives, I pray for the resistance in them to stand up under the weight of culture that is not only subtly eroding the grace that may adorn them in their beauty, the erosion that will mar them and disfigure them, or give them the strength to resist that in order that they may reflect to their husbands and their children the way that we must love You. Cause them to be such examples of the gospel that in their daily lives, they may be evangelists.

That they may preach to their husbands even in instances where it feels hard and unfair. Lord, in instances where everything and everyone is telling them one thing, Lord, that they may carry the strength that may break the heart of even the hardest man. And then, Lord, for our young people who must figure out romance and love and lifelong partnership in the midst of all these voices, I pray that this vision may be with them for ever. And Lord, if we forget, and we will, that You'll send servants, preachers, teachers that will remind us of what it means to live in this union that resembles our union with Christ. In His power, by His spirit, we pray. Amen.